What kind of perfectionist has piles of papers, mountains of dirty laundry and cluttered closets?
This one.
The one who doesn’t want to even get started on something,
to work for just five minutes,
or to just clear one shelf.
If I can’t finish it, I deplore starting it. I become very uneasy walking away when it’s not complete, when it’s not — perfect. The effect of this strategy is that some important tasks hardly ever get started, or consequently done.
Perfectionism looks like this for me: if I can’t do ALL of it, do ALL of it well and get it ALL done at one time — then why risk failing? I would rather live with a bunch of untouched everything than 1/8 of an attempt to complete it. That’s why some people may believe I am not particular about my surroundings. That’s why I appear lazy to myself and (dare I say) to others. I didn’t fully understand this until I read Marla Cilley’s book Sink Reflections in 2004, I just thought I was Lazy, Stupid or Crazy (another life changing book for me). Both of these books were revolutionary for me. They exposed the exquisite ways my perfectionistic psyche paralyzes me.
If I have only 15 minutes to be productive, my mind says, “Oh… no you don’t! Don’t fiddle with that, fix that or straighten out that. You can only get part of it done. Why bother? The rest will still be staring you in the face when you come back. What if you get interrupted in five minutes? Then, you really can’t do this. It’s too hard. It’s something you don’t enjoy doing. Worse than anything, it’s boring! By the way, don’t you need to do this, go here, etc. etc.”
BAM! 15 minutes are gone. It’s as if I have concrete blocks attached to my perfection-seeking little feet and I’m wallowing in quick sand.
What does this “feet-stuck-in-concrete” feeling have to do with being a mom? See if any of this resonates with you…..
“I’ll just do their laundry this time to help them out. They are such busy high schoolers. They focus so much time and energy on being good students. I can’t possibly teach them all the intricacies of keeping up with their laundry! That would take YEARS! Besides, I’ve already missed that window. I should have done that when they were three.”
Newsflash: Complex, multi-step, on-going routines are never taught “as a whole”. They are taught in parts–small, itty-bitty baby steps.
“What is the point of helping them with reading at all? It’s so difficult for them. Maybe it’s just better to just accept their lower performance and move on.”
Newsflash: No one picks up Homer’s The Odyssey and comprehends it right after they’ve mastered Green Eggs and Ham. There are a few more steps inbetween.
“I’m just not going to take my teenager anywhere — ever. They are just so rude and crude. It’s embarrassing.”
Newsflash: The folks that are invited to tea with the Queen of England had to go to pubs first to figure out how not to burp out loud.
I have vowed over the last seven to eighter years to “just start small and somewhere” with my kids. I want to teach them that doing something, ANYTHING, in small amounts, is better than nothing at all. Perfect doesn’t exist. Sometimes even “finished” doesn’t exist!
The act of moving our will and actions toward a goal triumphs over the paralyzation of perfection every time. I promise. And I don’t promise much. Ask my kids.
The most helpful act of submitting to move involves bringing these feet-sticking problems to the feet of Our Lord Jesus on the cross. Yes, even these issues. God does indeed care about all my anxieties, even laundry mountains and paper piles.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God–Phillipians 4:6
This is the first of a four-part series we are doing on perfectionism in order to introduce you to Jill Savage‘s new book No More Perfect Moms. We’ll end the series with a giveaway for a copy of her awesome book and some other goodies!
Oh, I am a complete perfectionist. Your title is fantastic because it can be so paralyzing. While it’s good in some ways, it’s completely terrible and defeating in others. I am trapped by very “on/off” kind of thinking with tasks. If I do something, I do it 100% and with all my effort. But if I can’t do that, I just don’t do it at all. It’s very hard for me to think in terms of gray when it comes to tasks.
I had to re-train my thinking with regards to parenting when I realized that perfectionist and motherhood do not go hand in hand.(unless you want to drive yourself and everyone else insane). –Lisa
The Dose of Reality recently posted..I Will Cut You If You Bother Me While HotSean! Is On T.V.
{Kathy} If I only knew where the “on/off” switch is in my brain! Wouldn’t that be great! I agree that sanity can be compromised if we have an unrealistic view of motherhood. Pushing through the concrete in our thinking can be so hard. I honestly can’t think of one task in motherhood where it ever is 100% completely 100% complete. That’s a little bit of a depressing thought, but I think more realistic than saying, “I’ll be done with ‘x’ when ‘y’ happens.” I wish I knew when I would be done doing laundry for kids…..my calculations tell me it’s not for about 10 years.
However, if I just keep switching it, folding and putting it away….oh never mind, it’s never going to end.
First, that is one of my very favorite bible verses. Second, I just wrote a post today about missing windows. Third, I could have written this post. I need to get those two books…immediately. That is how I see myself…lazy, a procrastinator but you are so right. I struggle with “if I can’t do the whole job, why even start it” syndrome and with our crazy lifestyle, it is rare that I get a big chunk of time. This post, these words are such a comfort.
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{Kathy} I’m so glad you identified with the post and are comforted by my “laziness”. Those books are amazing. I practically cried my way through Sink Reflections. I thought it was going to be a housekeeping book and it turned out to be a heartkeeping book. She speaks so honestly about the roots of our problems then teaches systematically how to help ourselves. The Lazy, Crazy book is really about Adult ADHD. I have 3 kids with ADHD, so I thought it might be a good read. I didn’t think I was going to get explanations to some the my most perplexing questions about my life. God has a way of giving us information in digestible forms just when we need it.
Ack! I wrote a long response and lost it 🙁
The gist of it was this: I can relate in a very specific way (as in, I live the situation you described, others think I don’t care about my surroundings), and recently kiddo has modeled for me that little by little is truly how we get things done.
She has gone from “But I CAN’T play and read my music at the same time!!!” to a very excited “Mom, come watch!!” as she plays a song and only looks at her hands once or twice. Sometimes I need my kiddo to show me the things I’ve become blind to.
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{Kathy} I love the music analogy!! I play piano, my daughter plays piano and sings, and two of my sons play. Music is a great venue for understanding the concept of bit-by-bit. Reading music and hearing it finally played well after practicing takes TIME. It can be hard to wait for a great performance. In mothering, the time spent “learning the dots on the page” are difficult. It’s through these processes that our kids observe us learning! We often think we are teaching them all the time. Finding out that mom struggles right along with them gives our relationship with them great dimension. Thanks for visiting.
Yes, NO MORE perfection-seeking moms! We put so much weight on ourselves. It’s debilitating. Baby steps for everything is the way to go, and this post comes at a perfect time for me.
Let me confess: I sent my son off to school this morning with no breakfast. He slept late and even on a good day, hates eating first thing. So thinking I was going to find the perfect way to entice him, I grabbed a PediaSure chocolate milk, threw it in the blender with some ice and a big scoop of Quaker Oats and mixed up what he thinks is an ice cream milkshake. I tried it and it was delicious. His reaction? “Moooooom, I’m not hungry.” A showdown began.
I was about to lose it knowing he had about 25 minutes to get everything done before the bus came. I was feeling like a failure. Then I thought, “You know what? He’ll have to be hungry.” He’ll have to see what the consequence is of not having a breakfast before school. It pained me, but hopefully he’ll get it {jury’s out … the little bug is still at school}.
My point is that every day, we have to be happy with getting up and doing our best … even if it’s in bits and pieces.
michelle @ this little light recently posted..No More “More” in 2013
{Kathy} Great example Michelle. It’s one of my mothering pet peeves: making something I FEEL is delicious, only then to be shot down by a picker eater. What? You don’t want my whole-grain banana nut waffles I made from scratch? Eggos instead? Puullleeease!
Our kids personal choices are not reflections of our effective (or ineffective) mothering. These are hard lessons. Yes, my stomach has started to growl in honor of your son’s rebellion.
I hear ya, Kathy! We can only present the truth; what others choose to do with it, is their choice. It makes one feel vulnerable and humble all at the same time. You be who you are, and do what is best for you and yours according to how you believe God would have you, and the rest isn’t important. It can hurt if someone doesn’t like us, but that’s pride talking. It can make us feel unworthy if someone makes too much of us, but in those situations we can praise God that we were a blessing and just point people to where the real glory goes (to God) and let them take it or leave it. The human condition is one I am looking forward to not having one day! To be free of pretense and pride would be wonderful! I hate have to struggle with the desire to put on a mask for others. God wants me as I am, and if it’s good enough for a Holy God, then it is good enough for everyone else. Simple, yet hard.
Julie Moore recently posted..{Guest Recipe} Gluten Free Vegan Chocolate Cupcakes (Wheat, Nut, Milk, Egg and Fish-Free, Can Be Soy-Free)
{Kathy} May I quote you? I love your last statement, “God wants me as I am, and if it’s good enough for a Holy God, then it is good enough for everyone else.” I want our other readers to hear this. Self-acceptance seems to be a major deficit with moms—it affects so much of our parenting. I also think think this thread of conversation has moved me to include these thoughts you and I are sharing in our (Melinda and I) book. God speaks. I try hard to listen. He’s pretty much shouting right now. Thanks for being a blessing.
You’re welcome, Kathy! You can quote me. If you include it in the book, I would love to see it! 🙂
You’re right in that we definitely struggle with the “I must be perfect!” argument. We don’t want anyone to know we have flaws. But, here’s the kicker: God ALREADY knows. He ALREADY loves us, so what are we REALLY afraid of? That the rest of the world will know, too? Pretense keeps us from a whole world of peace. It keeps us shuffling what we are with what we want others to see, and it gets exhausting.
I think about David and how God called him “a man after God’s own heart”. Did you ever think of how “wow” that statment is? David killed. He was an adulterer, yet God said he followed after God’s own heart? Why would He say that? Because, when it came down to it, David could admit what he was. He told God, “Yep, Lord. I am all those horrible things. I’m sorry. Forgive me,” and he strived to change. That’s all God wants; an honest heart which strives to love, honor and serve Him.
God knows we will fail, and that’s why He is there. He is there waiting for us to cry out for help, to admit we need Him…and to help us pick up the pieces later. Oh, sure, there are consequences to our wrong doings, but God’s love is always there. I know I’m grateful for that! Knowing God is there isn’t license to do what I please (like I said, there are consequences to our choices), but boy does it help me know that when no one else will love me, He still can and does. If I have Him, if I have His perfect love, then that’s all I need. Again, simple, yet hard to wrap your mind around, but that’s the truth of it.
Julie Moore recently posted..{Guest Recipe} Gluten Free Vegan Chocolate Cupcakes (Wheat, Nut, Milk, Egg and Fish-Free, Can Be Soy-Free)
That is SO me!
I constantly find myself in an emotional ‘stalemate’ and then nothing gets done!
Michelle
Michelle recently posted..The Joys of Head Wounds!
{Kathy} It’s always fascinating to me what we observe gets us out of those places. I started paying attention to those pushers in my life and found out that these help:
1. Make plans for company when my house feels messy. The fire under my rear end starts burning pretty hot.
2. Impose deadlines on myself that I reward myself for well. Remember how a teacher rewards her class for reading a collective number of books by a having a pizza party?
Moral: invite company over for a pizza party!!
Love this post, Kathy! I struggle with perfectionism, too, and it is very hard to get the motivation to do when I know it won’t get done, or to leave it once it’s started when I need to. I’m getting better, but it’s a work-in-progress, which is fitting, right? 😉 I’m considering writing a post called, “True and False”, where I uncover the myths surrounding how people may precieve me and what actually is me. I think it will help me not to show myself in a light of pretense and just be who I am, if that makes sense. We’ll see if I post it! 🙂 I probably will, but don’t hold me to the title! LOL 😉
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{Kathy} Wow, Julie. I love that post idea. It’s important to share our weaknesses with others. A wonderful therapist once told me something revolutionary about what other people think about us:
We have absolutely no control over it.
This is good news if we feel like we are disappointing people, look bad in others’ eyes….
But the interesting side of this is the opposite. We can’t make people think well of us, like us, be happy with us. It’s ALL up to them. It is their choice. It’s their life circumstances or past experiences which color how they view everything—-including us. To think that we can control this is rather presumptuous of us, isn’t it? What God thinks of us, what we think of ourselves…this is where our morality lies, really. I changed so much of my life due to this epiphany.
{Kathy} Thank you so much for including me in your post!