by Chris Carter of The Mom Cafe, MOMtor Regular Contributor
The last nine years seem to be a long sleepless unpredictable and to be honest, terrifying blur. From the moment my first baby was born…came fear and helplessness and utter defeat. She came into this world in a panic, as the doctor said… “I can’t promise you anything”.
Those are never words a mother wants to hear.
Every moment since then has been full of those words… and constant questioning on how to care for my daughter. She has had so many medical issues I stopped counting. I still ache and stir over those long, exhausting and torturing years. I had no idea what caring for her would entail. I was desperately pleading to God for mercy and guidance…
It was one trauma after another with every new sickness and diagnosis. Each day introduced new suffering. As she entered this world…she completely stripped mine of anything predictable or peaceful. It was one hopeless and helpless journey of crises filled with angst and questioning. With each new season came more battles and more sickness and more doctor appointments and more medicine and more frustrations.
When my son was born, within weeks I was admitting my daughter (only two) to the hospital isolated respiratory unit. It was the nightmare that continued to unfold both with her and my son who was very sick as well with severe reflux and asthma. I couldn’t escape the darkness, and I was trapped in an endless merciless battle of fighting for my kids to survive each day…
I was living on my knees with desperate pleas and seeking solace from a life of constant turmoil. And as motherhood peeled away my layers of confidence, it also slowly stole my two loves:
Teaching and writing music.
Two passions that identified me and gave me purpose.
And as I grieved the loss of both, I found the sacrifice to be liberating in many ways. The energy I used for those dreams was now redirected toward my children. I knew this season of Motherhood needed everything I had to give. There was no room left for my plan, it was defined and driven by the relentless needs of my children.
I sacrificed it all. I jumped off my dock of all I knew and all I did… and dove into the motherhood waters flailing in the deep sea with the intensity and urgency of a drowning victim.
It was about saving us all… with no equipment or knowledge how to do just that. I embarked on this journey completely unaware of what it would reveal and swam in the cold dark waters of survival.
This school year has been the beginning of a “new normal” for my children and for me. All the surgeries and the specialists and all the procedures and medicines and diagnoses we have learned through the years… have finally taken us to this miraculous and beautiful place of wellness.
My son has grown stronger every year and my daughter constantly amazes me with her new health. Both are celebrating a new way of life of consistency and stability. I am celebrating each day with joyful tears and thankful prayers. There is not one morning or evening or moment in between that I am in awe of this wonderful and cherished blessing bestowed on our family.
I feel resurrected. A new hope. A new life.
God has restored me. He has used each trying day for His good and for mine. I am stronger. I am wiser. My faith has magnified in the depths of those waters. Our family is unified. Grounded. Grateful.
This year has been a year of new beginnings. New dreams. And I am dancing in the light of each day that I wake to live in them.
I am writing again… my music is a faded memory, but as time and my path have changed me- I find joy in creating my words in silence. A quiet I can’t recall since giving birth. It’s a quiet I crave and long for in my new solace. I embrace the essence of true peace in the stillness of the day…and the night. Something I lost for nine years, has now returned with a desperate thirst as I drink it in day after day…night after night…
As He pours His Grace freely onto me, I am drenched in His Love. I am nourished in the quiet peace of fulfillment. I hear Him say,
“Rejoice my child.”
If you are enduring struggles in your motherhood journey, and feel stripped of your own dreams and purpose… Please know there will come a time for restoration. And there will come a time for new dreams to unfold, as each season of motherhood changes and transforms us into something new and purposeful.
God will use your every day and every turn in your mothering journey. Have faith in His plan, while you face your moments of trials and lose yourself in those murky waters. There will be a new season. A new purpose. I know this to be true. How deeply I know this truth.
Have hope in that promise, dear friend.
There’s a season for everything and a time for every matter under the heavens. Ecclesiastes 3:1
Before having children, Chris Carter worked as a music therapist for several years in Chicago’s inpatient psychiatric hospitals. She also managed creative arts and recreation programming for four group homes. In that time of her life, she learned and grew to know the pain and suffering of so many people. She is now a stay-at-home mom and currently spends her days running kids to and from school four times a day, volunteering and keeping the house in some sort of order! She has a thriving blog, The Mom Cafe, where she regularly shares her mothering experience and wisdom.
This story pulled on my heart. Chris, there are joy-tears here as I read your story. Such redemption. So glad for you that God’s brought you to a place of silent joy and new inspiration for what you’ve always loved. We’re in the still-slogging phase here with one of my daughters, and your story gives such hope. Thank you.
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Oh bless your heart Laurie! I will keep you in my prayers. I am so glad my story encouraged you! God will carry you through even when you don’t feel the “lift” my friend. He will sustain you. And in time, He will restore you!
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Beautiful post Chris! So glad you are finally feeling a season of more ‘normal’ motherhood this year. Thank God that health has been restored! Something we so very much take for granted until its gone. So happy for you!!!! Pray this peace and fulfillment continues for you for many years to come….soak up those sweet children, you thankfully have many wonderful years yet to make years of memories with them instead of needing to be in ‘survival’ mode! You deserve it!
Thanks so much sister. I have never been in this place before… it’s absolutely lovely. 🙂
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Such an amazing, uplifting post! It must have been so hard to see what was ahead, and I’m so glad good things have happened!
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Thank you so much Ginny Marie! I love that you thought it was uplifting. That is exactly the message I wanted to portray, even in the midst of sharing a dark season…I wanted so badly to shine the light of hope.
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Gorgeous, Chris – vulnerable, honest and beautifully expressed. What a journey you’ve been on, brave woman! Your children are lucky to have you as their mother and it’s more than obvious how lucky you feel to be their mom. Well done!
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Thank you so much Mary!! It’s been a hard road, and looking back through those blurry years it’s really amazing we survived it all. It’s very difficult to actually reflect on it all, but I can celebrate our victories now! 🙂
Chris Carter recently posted..A Season For Everything…
Oh my goodness, Chris! This post was AMAZING. I feel so blessed to read this. My heart aches for how difficult things must have been for you, but please know what a great encouragement this is. I feel very swallowed by my season of life right now, and try to keep reminding myself that it is just a season. I just need to keep caring for these kids that God has given me and doing what I can in the now. Loved this. Thank you.
YES Meredith, this difficult season that you are surviving now truly will pass! I know how hard it can be with two little ones, whether they are sick or well. I am just so amazed that you can do so much with your blog and have such great success all the while juggling your babies too! YOU are amazing… Hang in there sweetie. 🙂 Thank you so much for your kind words. SO grateful.
Chris Carter recently posted..A Season For Everything…
I didn’t realized I had stopped breathing until I exhaled when I reached the part where you said “This school year has been the beginning of a “new normal” for my children and for me.” Thank God that I haven’t experienced an on-going illnesses of my children, but at times I feel like I’m getting loss in the mothering merry-go-round, while having curve balls thrown at me.
This post is so encouraging. There. Is. Hope. Restoration is on its way; so like you, I’ll continue to keep the faith and hold on. Great post, Chris!
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Thanks SO much Hope!! You are such an encouragement to me. I can’t imagine juggling all that you do with your little ones so beautifully and so successfully! The curve balls are hard aren’t they? But there. Is. Hope! Restoration is on it’s way!! Keep on keeping on my friend!!
Chris Carter recently posted..A Season For Everything…
Wow, Chris. I can’t fathom how hard those 9 years were. I am so happy to hear that your children are well and that you have found yourself restored. I hope you will write music once again! Those kids are so lucky to have you in their lives. No doubt you helped get them to where they are today!
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Thanks so much Jennifer!! It was so so hard, I just can’t paint a good picture as I so wish I could somehow. It sucked. (LOL) BUT, any adversity in life always grows you and makes you stronger. This journey has done just that! Music… not so sure. But I find so much joy in writing now that it’s okay to let it go. 🙂
Chris Carter recently posted..A Season For Everything…
Oh, my friend, I have tears in my eyes. You are such an inspiration to me. I, too, am rejoicing and thanking God that he gave you strength and brought you to this season of restoration.
He never leaves our side. He is so good. xo
michelle @ this little light recently posted..In The Quiet
Thank you so so much dear friend!! Your words mean so much to me! It’s been an amazing journey of faith and growth for me. He IS good! 🙂
Chris Carter recently posted..A Season For Everything…
What a beautiful story! Thank you! I’m so glad your children are doing better.
Thank you so much Sara! I appreciate your kind words. It was a long and difficult journey, but I am rejoicing now! 🙂
Chris Carter recently posted..A Season For Everything…
Chris, wonderful post. I remember all to well that season of motherhood where my children consumed everything and there was nothing left. In the midst of it, it was hard to remember that it was just for a season and that there really was a new season to follow. My best encouragement came from those who reminded me just how short and precious that season was.
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Thanks so much Susan! Yes, it goes so quickly…but when you’re in it, it feels so overwhelming and time seems to ache instead of fly. I do wish I had more moments of joy during those tough years, but I find peace and affirmation looking back at our strength and endurance through it all.
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Beautiful Chris!! Your story is a story that so many mothers endure. Thank you for sharing! We were fortunate that our two older children had no medical problems, but our youngest son did. Out of the blue he started having epileptic seizures at the age of three. We took him to specialist after specialist, changed medicine more often than not. The meds stopped the seizures, BUT the side effects were worse than the seizures themselves. We started to gradually decrease his medicine, all while I was on a tightrope wondering was it faith or foolishness, am I putting my child’s life in danger? I decided I had to have faith, or it wouldn’t work. Finally, two years later he was medicine and seizure free…praise God! Still though, I lived on edge as fear gripped me, wondering if out of the blue it would happen again…keeping him out the heat, making sure he didn’t bump his head…and on and on. I am so blessed to say that 12 years later, he has no effects from his illness. He’s bright(taking AP and Honors classes, runs track and is smart as a whip), but most of all…he has resolve and his faith is stronger, as I’m sure your children are also! Thank you Chris for reminding us that…this too shall pass and whatever storms we go through, they make us stronger! You’re so right, when He restores, it is in such a magnificent way! So happy for you, your husband and your children, that you’re finally getting a chance to live life to it’s fullest! Have a blessed week my friend! XOXOXOXO
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Oh what a BEAUTIFUL comment Michell!!! I love that you can relate to this post and shared your story with your precious HEALTHY son!!! I am so glad you and your son have been RESTORED!!! Thank you for your love and blessing in all your words here. SO deeply touched. 🙂
Chris Carter recently posted..A Season For Everything…
Oh Chris. What a beautiful, honest post. You are so strong and brave, and your children are no doubt extremely lucky to have you as their mom.-The Dose Girls
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How encouraging your sweet words are to me. SO grateful. 🙂
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