Look at you with a two-year old and a four-month old! I’m glad you’ve discovered concealer for those under eye circles. It will become your best friend for years.
But really, look at YOU. And those beautiful boys! They are amazing children. You won’t believe this now, but you will actually have two more kids. Don’t worry, though. God’s timing is perfect.
There are a few things I want you to know…
It’s OK that Max only wants to play outside, everyday, all day. Inside is really not his thing. He ends up becoming a great athlete who finds joy in working up a sweat. Don’t worry about his binky. It makes him happy for a little while longer. His blanket becomes a fixture of his room. It actually doesn’t end up going to college with him. Potty training him is just flat stupid. He’s not. Get over it. He does. In fact, he’s quite brilliant.
Cuddle with him more. When he is older, he gets a little shy with affection. Those beautiful green eyes just break your heart later.
It’s OK that Paul can only sleep when he’s right next to you. He’s sensitive and very loving now. He’s so open and honest–a really great communicator. The security he feels now affects how he will handle life’s challenges. He’s fabulous. Chill out. So cute, too. He’s preppy with no care about what people think of his radical ideas—about God and music.
It’s OK that the house is a total disaster. Do your best to do what you can, when you can. And, please, get some decent help. There is no sense feeling like this forever. You are good at a lot of things—-cleaning house is not one of your strengths. Stop thinking that Ben is going to do something around the house. It’s useless and adds to too much resentment.
Take a small unsecured loan out to hire some help. It’s really the only thing that helps you in the end. You are smart enough later not to let this continue much longer. I wish you would have known that now. Just get their little jammies and cute little Gap overalls clean and go with it. Their laundry only gets bigger and stinkier. Sorry, I had to give you some bad news.
It’s OK that you are sad every now and then. Happiness is sometimes a choice but after you have a baby, (remember you have 2 more), you need help. That help can be anything from counseling to medication, but for God’s sake don’t wait so long feel better! What’s going on in your head can be overwhelming. In the meantime, seek help. This time doesn’t last too long. Don’t worry.
It’s OK that you can’t see the future. Relying on God to be in charge is all you are ever equipped to do. It’s cool that you became Catholic before Max was born. The rich heritage of your faith is the only resource you will ever need to be spiritually complete. You will have two thousand years of history of people that have been through more, thought about more and ultimately know more than you. Whew! You don’t have to figure it all out. Just keep doing laundry.
It’s OK that you are still thinking about those other two that I told you about. They are awesome, too. You get awesome too– just a little later than you would have liked. You meet someone very special in 2007 — during a low point in your life — that God places there to keep you happy. She’s tall. Don’t be too scared. She’s good for you.
Think about me (your 43-year-old self) every now and then and realize that it’s OK. It really is. Your dreams will change and your ambition will multiply. Be peaceful in your waiting. Be strong in your resolve.