“Don’t offer. Don’t refuse.”
This is a mantra offered by many to help a toddler self-wean from nursing. I have personally had three toddlers and watched it unfold with a beautiful ending.
When we think of breastfeeding a child, there’s a time when the nutritional needs take a backseat to the emotional, psychological connection forming between mom and child. It’s a delicate time. We know it when it happens.
We just sometimes don’t know exactly how it’s going to end.
Does this apply to other times in motherhood?
It does. In so many ways.
Have you ever been in a situation when you didn’t neccessarily need help but you just needed to know help was available? Like the life-preserver on the dock of a lake, you knew it was there for someone to eagerly throw in and rescue you. You may not ever need it.
I recently had a conversation with a mom after her third baby was born. Because they were having a few issues with breastfeeding, I offered my help. I gave her my phone number and told her to use it whenever she needed some encouragement. She told me that “just having my telephone number in her phone made her feel better.”
Well, that was easy. I would have gladly done more to help since I had been through so much myself with one of mine years ago.
{To give you an idea of how Luke’s first few months of (not) breastfeeding played out….I ended up naming my breastpump. And talking to it. I was nuts. BUT (insert Gloria Gaynor’s song) we survived and thrived. Thanks be to God.}
We feel more secure knowing help is near. Choosing not to offer help, but also choosing not to refuse it helps our kids get through many milestones:
Learning to walk — Realizing that the hands that were once there for support suddenly aren’t needed. Surprise!
Learning to swing on a swing — Once those pumping legs get going, mom can join you on the next swing over. Yippee!
Learning to ride a bike — Who doesn’t remember the feeling of the hands on the back of the bike letting go and freedom beginning? Ride on!
Letting go. That’s what it really is.
It’s the most difficult act of love we do as moms.
It can be heart wrenching.
So it always is with mom love.
The next time we resist offering help and they come back…don’t refuse.
Just understand that when we allow them to let go, we let go.
Then, we will really begin something new.
Stopping by from SITS, great post. We’re expecting baby #2 any week now and I’m looking forward to how the dynamic changes in our home.
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{Kathy} Emily, congratulations on your soon to be bundle! We hope you come back to visit so we can encourage and support you.
You’ve described the hardest work for me of being a mom – letting go. I’m a big believer in not doing something for my kids that they can do for themselves, yet I find myself doing those things all the time, perhaps just to pretend they still need me in the same ways. Here’s to embracing new phases. Great post on letting go!
I know I sound like a broken record these days but it’s only because this teen stuff is so new. Letting Nico drive the car is the most obvious way I need to let go and I.AM.STRUGGLING. I needed to read this because now that I think about it, I was pretty good about the letting go when they were babies and infants but the tweens and the teen…not so much. I do but it is slow going.
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Um… hi, my name is Susan and my breast pump talked to me. It sang to me in point of fact, but that’s a story for another day.
I love this post, just so you know. I went through the “taking the training wheels off” one last November. I needed that mothering couch!
HappyMomSusan recently posted..Mothering Mischief – Summer errand slow down
Letting go can be hard…but its the best thing we can do for our kids!! I’ve made plenty of parenting mistakes but not hovering is one thing I got right. haha
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{Kathy} Michelle, that’s a gift! Some moms struggle in that area. That whole helicopter parent is overrated. It’s takes a lot of energy to hover!
It is so hard. This motherhood gig is not for the faint of heart, that’s for sure! Great post. Well said.-The Dose Girls
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{Kathy} I’ve always wanted a “fainting couch”–you know those pretty chaise looking pieces with gorgeous fabric. We should just call them Mother Couches.
yes, it is incredibly hard to let go and watch him not only want to try and not stop him from getting hurt, but watching him succeed and know I am not needed anymore. sniffles.
but with every new accomplishment, comes a new adventure and new fun to be had.
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{Kathy} Karen, your perspective of watching him get hurt, learn and then succeed is one shared by many! Thank for stopping by!