by Susan Baker, Regular MOMtor Contributor
When my son was born, I was confident I had the right priorities for motherhood.
It was, after all, pretty straight forward. First, stop the baby from crying. If he cries, fix the problem. Second, sleep. It was simple, and it worked for a handful of days.
After those first few weeks, housework, relationships, bible study, and even work all demanded equal space on my to do list once again.
To be honest, I’ve struggled with priorities in motherhood ever since.
It took a long time for me to understand that no matter how organized and efficient I tried to be, I couldn’t possibly complete every task on my list to my satisfaction. It took even longer to understand that the really important things in life never make it on my to-do list.
I have never written, “listen to my son’s fears” on my list.
If I did, I would certainly prioritize it above “clean the kitchen counters.”
But do you know what I did recently? When I was in the middle of scraping the dried applesauce off the breakfast bar, I realized my son was trying to talk to me. He was going on and on and on about something and I really wasn’t listening. I was busy wondering what I’d left in the refrigerator to ferment.
When I tried to get him to stop the constant chatter, I told him “Honey, I really don’t have time to listen right now. I have more important things to do.”
As he walked away, my ears caught up with my mouth. Then my brain caught up with the whole conversation. My son had been telling me about his fears. Specifically, that a commercial for a movie was really upsetting him.
I had just told him that an applesauce-free countertop was more important than listening to his heart.
Once again, my biggest priority as a mom was NOT on my list. Ouch.
It happens every day.
As I’m writing this, my husband, my children, the cats, the oven timer, and the washing machine have interrupted me. In the middle of those interruptions, it’s hard to instantly recognize the most important thing and respond accordingly.
Because I struggle with this so often, I’ve chosen a framework that appears to be working for me precisely because it allows me to take those things that never even make it to my list and bump them straight to the top of my priorities.
First, I value my relationship with God above all else. Anything that interferes with that priority frequently (or in an ongoing capacity) isn’t in line with my values.
Second, I’ve made a choice to value people more than things. There are rare exceptions, but building and maintaining relationships is more important than maintaining inanimate objects.
Lastly, I have a few well thought out goals that are in alignment with my purpose in life. I prioritize those goals above the everyday (as long as I can maintain a minimal standard of cleanliness, hygiene, nutrition, and fitness for myself and my family).
In the chaos of motherhood, having that framework really helps me.
I’m not trying to decide in the heat of the moment because I took the time to think it through up front.
Houston Mom Blogger Susan Baker writes at ThisHappyMom and has a passion for encouraging weary worn out moms to find joy in everyday motherhood. She has two elementary school boys, one engineering husband, and one cat. She has a strange fascination for eggs, socks, and books. She spends far too much time on Social Media and at Target. She is crazy in love with her family. She serves an amazing God. She lives an ordinary life filled with wonder.
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An excellent post Susan. I find this happening a lot, too. I have to constantly stop and really focus, so I don’t miss stuff from my children. I will be thinking about this one all day.-Ashley
thedoseofreality recently posted..Would You Rather: Be Costume-less Or The Only One Wearing A Costume?
Oh this hits my heart… hard. I get it. How many times have I placed value on “getting things done” instead of listening… being in the moment with my children. I have been feeling the need to write about the age old question: Does your life reflect your priorities? This nudge was just what I needed.
Thanks Susan! I love where you focus yours. 🙂
Chris Carter recently posted..Devotional Diary: Fear. (Time To Cut The Tumor Out)
Oh dear, I have been there many times. Lately I’ve been more conscious of it. If I do want to clean or look at my iPhone or whatever I want to do, I make sure it’s only when my husband or a grandparent or friend are around. If it’s just me, that’s when I feel so awful. As long as my daughter has someone who is certainly immersed with her. If she’s interested in only me even with other adults around, I listen better.
It’s a work in progress, always. It’s alarming to terms with how often it happens.
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Tamara, I’m not sure how old your daughter is. I know when mine were younger it was a real struggle. Sometimes it felt like I went days without being able to check email or Facebook. It’s just hard when they’re little because they need instant attention and really can’t wait.! As my kids have gotten older, it’s been a relief to teach my kids that 30 seconds (or five minutes) is a reasonable time to wait for me to respond to a request. But in order for that to work, I had to keep my part of the bargain. When I asked my kids to wait two minutes, I needed to be WITH them in less than two minutes. One of the things I’ve learned is that placing my phone FACE DOWN on the table makes a huge difference. It tells my kids that they have my complete attention and they respond to that. As a bonus, it gives me credibility with my tweens when I ask them to pause their screen and look at me while we talk. 🙂
HappyMomSusan recently posted..MOMtor Monday – how to focus on what matters MOST
I totally agree that it is hard to keep everything in order. I struggle with being the stay at home mom and blogger many times over. My kids have to take priority over everything else, but it’s not always easy.
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Crystal, I think being interrupted when I’m writing is in my top 3 pet peeves! It’s earned several entries in my yelling journal over the past month, in part because I know the words dry up and disappear when I stop writing to go find the missing shoe (or whatever).
Lately, I’ve been trying a new approach. When I’m getting ready to write, I make sure every person who normally would interrupt me knows what I am about to do. It’s too early to know for sure, but I think it’s helping.
I struggle with this all the time too!
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I’m so glad I’m not alone!
Great post! I am the same way! I have to purposely think about what is important, every.single.day, even if it is something I *know*. It is easy to get caught up in the spot on the carpet or organizing that cupboard when the really important thing is that one of my children has a problem and needs me to listen. My need to have a clean house comes second to my need to be a good mother, and I definitely cannot do that without a good, open and honest relationship with God. It doesn’t hurt to have a good, open, honest relationship with hubby, too, either.
Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone in this! 🙂
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Julie, I think every woman I know struggles with this. If you ever get done organizing your cupboards, you can always come over and help with mine. 🙂
If it helps, sometimes I put “people > things” on the top of my to do list as a reminder. People are greater than things may not be that elegant, but it helps me remember what I really want to put value on!
HappyMomSusan recently posted..Chocolate Caramels for your Soul
I don’t think I’ll EVER finish organizing those cupboards! LOL 🙂
Great thing to put on the to-do list! I remember in high school that we always had a “saying of the day” kind of thing, and normally it was “the best things in life are not things”. It has such a similar principle. I think one of these days I will work on a word collage that contains simple little sayings and such that remind me about the important things in life and have it framed and put it in a prominent place so that we all can benefit from those little reminders. 🙂
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I like “the best things in life are not things.” I think I’ll pin it up somewhere. 🙂
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