by Chris Carter, Regular MOMtor Contributor
I say “no” to my kids about a dozen times a day, give or take a few dozen. And each time I deliver that provocative response, I weigh it heavily on my heart. I know the significance of my intention. I must measure the meaning with utmost clarity and consciousness. Entitlement soaks through our very nature spilling into the river of gluttony, polluting the sea of spoiled selfishness.
Children always want more. We are all born with this elusive self-centered hunger, living in a constant state of desire for more. It is up to us to transform our children’s hearts. We must change their endless longings and teach them about thoughtful discernment. We have a responsibility to nurture maturity in our children, through the process of saying “no”.
I believe this is one of the hardest lessons in life, because it is ongoing in our lives as well. Even as adults, we too often struggle with the unequivocal ‘no’, don’t we?
And so it goes…
Along the path of parenting, we must honor this value in every corner of our lives. We must demonstrate that more isn’t better and “no” paradoxically often leads to more. More fulfillment, than any yes could ever give. Setting limits is imperative, in order to lead a healthy and productive life. Not having ‘this’ or ‘that’ takes great self-control, patience and fortitude. Do we realize its worth? I believe we must practice this principle every day in our lives, so that our children can see our consistent examples of accepting ‘no’.
How do you handle limitations in your life? Take a closer look, and evaluate this carefully. Do your children see your need for more? Do they watch you value “yes” more than “no”?
I believe that is the first order of business for us parents. We need to demonstrate the ability to accept and honor those things we can’t do, have, be- with dignity and grace…
Our children’s watchful eye will take it in. And as we embark on the most difficult lesson to teach, our modeling will only stand to enhance and encourage the same in our kids.
We must raise children with the wisdom of understanding the difference between greed and need, happiness and allowance, freedom and responsibilities. Our culture denies such differences. So we go against the grain of many. How many of our kids’ friends have this mentality? How many of our own friends do? It’s everywhere.
Too many children associate more with happiness and design a conditional attachment to the outcome…
If I don’t get this, then you don’t love me.
It is our job to change that perspective and teach them what love truly is about…and quite frankly, what life is really all about.
In the land of plenty, there is principle.
Every time you say “no”, there is an educational opportunity for your child. Too often parents exclaim, “Because I said so!” What does that teach your child? I can only guess that the lesson with that response is one of authority and domination. May I suggest we explain our “no”s? How will our kids ever learn if we don’t teach them the value of no?
I make sure with every “no” I give; there is an explanation that has reasoning behind it. I believe they are not only deserving of this, but they will build much-needed problem solving abilities to accept “no”. How else will they develop such skills?
I want my message to be heard more than my “no”.
There are times when they argue with me, and don’t care to accept my explanation. That’s okay. I have noticed that although most times they are mad or disappointed, they often get the “why” to the “no”. I am delighted to share that the more I take the time to explain, the more they find insight and acceptance. There are also times when they have a good argument against my “no” and I honor it, with a shift to “yes”.
It’s in these conversations that lessons are learned and principles are placed.
I already see the fruits of my labor in my children’s perspective. At the young ages of 8 and 10, they get it. That doesn’t mean they are free from greed and entitlement, as I believe that will be a constant challenge for us all. But they understand the principles, with which our family is based, and ultimately they recognize the significance of “no”, and how valuable it truly is in maintaining a healthy perspective.
I can’t think of a better way to love my kids, than to say “no”. How do you see the value of saying “No” to your kids?
I’d like to think that “Yes” is based on privilege, not on indulgence…
And “no” is based on principle, not power.
Before having children, Chris Carter worked as a music therapist for several years in Chicago’s inpatient psychiatric hospitals. She also managed creative arts and recreation programming for four group homes. In that time of her life, she learned and grew to know the pain and suffering of so many people. She is now a stay-at-home mom and currently spends her days running kids to and from school four times a day, volunteering and keeping the house in some sort of order! She has a thriving blog, The Mom Cafe, where she regularly shares her mothering experience and wisdom.
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“I want my message to be heard more than my no.” Yes! This. Oh, how this has made me look hard at myself. I need to make some changes. I don’t think I realized until I read this that I might equate being happy with having more. Ugh…I hate when I’m the bad example. 😉
This is a fantastic article, Chris. Not that I’m surprised! I say no. Dad…not so much. I do try to teach them that there is no such thing as entitlement and also that the no may be only for right now and the reasons why. The biggest mistake I make is actually saying no because of the timing of the request/question and my mood. “Because I said so” is a stock answer and I don’t think I am handling those moments when I am tired, hungry, or stressed well. This is a great read that I will be pinning. I think I, and many other Moms, can benefit from this.
Sandy Ramsey recently posted..My Ten Year Old Is Afraid Of Dying
I’m big on explaining my Nos (though I will admit to saying “Because I said so!” every now and then when I don’t have the energy). They might not always agree with me, but it helps set the stage for future conversations. Biz (5) is in a stage where he’s asking me if I still love him when I tell him No. Just tonight, I assured him that I love him no matter what. And he still has to put away his game when I ask him to because he needs to be responsible for his things (and so Hana won’t eat his toys!).
another jennifer recently posted..How Will You Celebrate Random Acts of Kindness Week?
That is so interesting that Bizz is totally giving proof that kids really do equate love with YES!!
I have been known to say “Because I said SO!” one or two times… when I am so done with explanations!! You’re not alone there, Jennifer!!
Good for you for totally being on the ball with the kids! I bet you are really good at building great character in them both, Jen. It radiates out of you- so you got the whole role model thing DOWN too!
Chris Carter recently posted..How To Love Your Kids…
Love this!!! We have always said “No” to our kids and taught them boundaries. I know a few people who think they are doing their kids a favor by not using the word NO – UGH!!
There was an episode of Modern Family (love that show!) that involved this situation and they quickly learned that kids need to be told NO!!
Kim recently posted..Off my Game a Bit but Totally Nailed my Step Goal!!!
Oh I LOVE Modern Family!!! I must have missed that episode!! UGH! I too, know many kids who are told yes over and over again… and it is showing in their character loud and clear. Makes me incredibly sad to see this.
Chris Carter recently posted..How To Love Your Kids…
Love this Chris!! We are our children’s first teachers and parents must take the responsibility to take that role as a serious one. God placed them in our lives so we can steward them…how well we do that, is His decision to make. It’s amazing how the Bible teachings us that God chastens those He loves, but parents find it so hard at times to do the same to their children. I especially love your last line Chris…”yes is based on privilege not indulgence and no is based on principle not power”. Simply yet SO profound! Thanks my friend…blessings! xoxo
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I think that line sums it up well, don’t you? I like it too!!! I wish more parents could truly understand this principle in parenting!! I see far too many “Yes”‘s than “no”‘s out there….
And if I really dare to generalize- it is breeding our culture of spoiled and entitled children. And many have grown into spoiled and entitled adults. We are a bit of a spoiled and entitled nation! Ouch. 🙁
Chris Carter recently posted..How To Love Your Kids…
oh my gosh this was a really timely post for me cuz we’ve been talking about this A LOT in our household recently. I love this line: “Entitlement soaks through our very nature spilling into the river of gluttony, polluting the sea of spoiled selfishness.”
So so so true! That’s one thing I want to instill in my kids – gratitude. I’m afraid they will feel entitled, or just assume in life you get everything/anything you want the second you desire it. I say no more often than my husband, but I’m home with them ALL the time and I think it’s easier for me. He wants his time with them to be so joyous he just buys them everything – ugh! I don’t want spoiled kids. We (I) talk to them a lot about how lucky they are, and how not every child has the things they have.
I think I’m going to email my husband this post. That’ll go over well. haha.
Beth Teliho recently posted..That Time A Comedian Stripped For Me. Sort of.
DO IT!!! Email it to him!!! I get why he is allowing more for his precious kids but oh how they still need those limits set and his authority is at stake as well, ya know? He is a role model for them too, and inadvertently he is teaching them that if they ask dad, they will get what they want. Yikes!!
I really get wanted to please your kids and love them in that way- just pouring on every possible joy for them to receive!! But we must (me included!) remember to teach them that love isn’t measured by that definition… or they will live according to that distorted principle. And from that fundamental mishap, everything else shifts too.
Gratitude really is a great ‘intervention’ and can be used constantly and eventually there is actually less asking from our kiddos, because they truly see what they have already…. or at least they can understand what greed is really all about. (How’s that for a long run on sentence!! lol)
Chris Carter recently posted..How To Love Your Kids…
I am starting to realize as my girls are getting older that I have to sometimes say “No” now more often and explain why so that they understand and learn from this more often then not now. Just this past weekend, I took the girls to the mall with me. I took them into the Disney Store and offered to get them one thing each. My younger daughter did just that and no issue there. But my older girl, picked two things and when I told her no and reminded her that she was only getting one thing, she had a meltdown in the store. I had to stay firm and then set limits after that. Trust me, I was definitely frazzled, but hope by setting limits we won’t have this happen again and she learns that she cannot always get her way. Did I feel like the mean mommy? Totally, but sometimes we definitely just have to be firm and stick to the good old fashioned “No” I suppose.
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Oh Janine- good for YOU!!! I love this story- because WHO CAN’T relate to it??? I can absolutely relate to that episode at the Disney store- because ironically I have had the SAME episode in the SAME store!!! Oh too many times!!! LOL!
I think they learn SO many lessons in just that one scenario… SO MANY!!
-You WILL follow through- so they can trust that and count on that.
-“Getting more” is hardly ever a reality
-be grateful for the privilege of what you DO receive
-unacceptable behavior leads to consequences
-greed is a nasty thing- and we all have to fight it within ourselves!!
-ETC ETC ETC…
I talk about greed so much with my kids- cause frankly, I think it is in the heart of every one of us. Just have to control it and render it powerless through gratitude. 🙂
Chris Carter recently posted..How To Love Your Kids…
And for each no and the reason behind it, we teach them more about principles, values, life lessons… and THAT is the best love we can give!
Chris Carter recently posted..How To Love Your Kids…
One of my biggest goals is to explain why I said no. And I’m full of answers! My dad taught me that when we were kids, and he had five of us. He tends to know.
I say “no” a lot more than I’d like. It’s never for no reason, though! Although Des putting food in his hair (constantly) isn’t a safety issue, and one-year-olds don’t really understand cleanliness yet.
Sigh.
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Yeah- at that age, it’s all about keeping them from well, themselves!! But with precious Scarlett, you may be able to share more lessons and set the runway for developing principles that are the foundation of yours and Cassidy’s values.
Chris Carter recently posted..How To Love Your Kids…
I also strive to point out the reasoning behind the “no.” I want my son to know that I’m not denying his wants just because I’m mean or even because I’m the boss. There’s always a legitimate reason – for his safety, for his manners, for his social skills.
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Yes Katie!! Kids think we are denying them things because we are being ‘mean’ or don’t love them ‘enough’ to let them do this or have that…
It’s really about teaching them so many lessons in life really, and most of all- helping them understand that love actually IS about saying no. Not indulging them with YES’s like they wish… that is not love!
Every age is different in understanding this, I know.
Chris Carter recently posted..How To Love Your Kids…