Do you ever feel like this?
You never had _________ growing up. (Insert: birthday parties, money, affection, consistent discipline, your own room, respect for your feelings…..you get the point)
Now that you’re a parent, you have decided that you will always give your children ________________.
What happened here?
Overcompensation…..taking excessive measures in attempt to correct or make amends for an error, weakness, or problem.
It’s like the sin of gluttony.
We don’t eat or drink too much, but we try to make up for some sort of inadequacy with too much. So much so that it ends up being counter-productive.
Overcompensation in parenting creates a new problem rather than fixing an old one.
So the cycle continues:
Feelings of disappointment/failure/inadequacy push you to drastic overcompensating actions, which lead to an undesired result.
Here are some classic examples in parenting:
I didn’t have enough, so I’m going to give too much: A woman grows up with an unaffectionate mother. After she has children, she constantly showers them with affection, even beyond their individual tolerances — all in the name of making sure that they feel loved and secure.
But, they grow up feeling smothered, trapped and responsible for fulfilling some sort of need in her. Then, she feels like a failure for not giving them enough freedom and independence.
Or this one,
I had too much, so I’m not going to give any at all: A woman grows up with parents that were too strict. They never let her do much with her friends or have adventures because they were controlling. She is resentful toward them. Therefore, as her kids get older she gives them too much freedom and encourages them to do and try everything. She doesn’t hold them back—no boundaries.
But, then she starts to see them making poor decisions. Suddenly, she knows they need her loving direction and advice, but they are completely resistant. She feels completely inadequate for not being able to help them effectively.
How do we break The Cycle of Overcompensation?
Ask yourself a few questions….
1. Am I trying to make up for a past mistake of my own or my parents by going overboard in a particular way?
2. Is my action really doing my child a favor or a disservice?
3. Is the desired result occurring?
Remember, there is nothing wrong with learning from the past or from our own true failures and inadequacies. This helps keep us humble and more willing to change.
Where do you believe you might be overcompensating in your parenting?
What can you do to “pull it down a couple of notches” so that your child(ren) benefit from your behavior?
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Hmmm…this is fascinating. My parents were overly strict, but I don’t feel like I am overly permissive. They weren’t very affectionate and I was when the kids were little, but now not as much, although I still tell them I love them fairly often…but they do pull back as they get older. I know I am doing plenty wrong…I’m certainly far from the perfect parent. But I’m doing my best. There’s always a new challenge to face.
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{Kathy} This is a challenge for some folks. I know I personally overcompensation has affected my parenting. Thanks for visiting! I read your article on How to use Facebook Interest Lists. It was very informative!
Wow – guilty! My Mom was awesome and I know she loved me like crazy, but she hardly ever left the house in the evenings and weekends and rarely did stuff with me other than watching TV together. On the other hand, with my kids, I’m going cross-eyed trying to manage a full time job and be a Scout leader, youth group chaperone, and involved in about 50 other activities with them. I love it because I enjoy working with all the kids, and it’s a nice change from my day job, but it can be totally crazy-making. I totally realize this, but I can’t think of anything I’m really willing to give up. It’s kind of a Catch-22 – if I spend too much time hanging around the house, I get depressed and start getting flashbacks to my childhood, but last week, I had four -14 hour days in a row plus a whole weekend campout with the Boy Scouts. Not sure what the answer is, but I can agree that I definitely do get into overcompensation mode. #SITSSharefest
{Kathy} I can totally relate to your response. The answer is so different for everyone. What do your children want? From you? As activities? Sometimes I have found their answers to surprise me. Thanks for visiting from SITS!
This is a great food for thought for parents. I actually hear this all the time, folks trying to “not be like their parents” so they go in extreme directions avoiding that path. I don’t feel I overcompensate but with my son I worry a lot about him and tend to be over protective, especially since he can get very antsy. Great topic ladies and enjoy your evening! -Iva
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Great, great post! I think I did this with my kids in their earlier years, but learned early it’s not so smart. So many people should read this!
This is so interesting. My Hubby and I often say that we do so much for our Kiddies because we had so little as children ourselves. Still, there are times when we see this begin to backfire. We have had to address ungratefulness, irresponsibility and the results of children who have all they want and more but never put in any work to earn them. I never saw it as overcompensating but after reading this I can see it. Thanks so much, Kathy, for sharing and giving me a bit more insight!
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{Kathy} Thanks for visiting Tiffany!
I think part of the mystery of parenting is that I’m blissfully unaware of what I’m doing wrong. As far as I can tell, I’m an A+ mom. I’m not sure I could do this every day if I thought otherwise. Someday I’m sure my daughter will weigh in and tell me what I did wrong, but until then, my best has to be good enough.
Visiting from SITS and LOBS! I believe I overcompensate simply in time spent with my kids and/or playing with them. I want to think a bit more about making sure they can entertain themselves, vs. me trying to make things special and memorable for them.
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{Kathy} Gosh, Katy. I understand. I have had to explain to my children — especially during their down time for weekends and holidays — that I am not responsible for their entertainment. I AM responsible for their well-being, but not responsible for their boredom problem. We aren’t on a cruise ship with an activities director available for every whim!
this is truly making me think. Am I overcompensating in an area with Dino? I hope not. Though I do think that because he is an only, I often worry if we don’t give him enough to do. I have to really think about htis
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{Kathy} That’s our job, Karen! To make you think! I makes me think, too. Don’t worry.