by Susan Baker, Regular MOMtor Contributor
The second thing I tell new friends is that my boys are strong willed and stronger willed.
On any given morning, if I offer either son a choice between wearing blue pants or khaki pants, at least one son will go for option C: wearing shorts in freezing weather. He will do so with all the drama and fire that he can muster before breakfast.
The other son is happy to go with whatever pants I offered, but only because he can then wear mismatched patterned socks.
Most parents of a strong willed child will give you the same advice. They’ll tell you to pick your battles. This is normally followed with a whispered reminder that “you can’t afford to lose any of them.”
What few of them will tell you is that parenting strong willed children can be a blessing.
All you have to do is figure out how to channel all that strong willed stuff.
Strong willed means strong beliefs. My son has a deeply held belief that wearing mismatched and/or patterned socks is his birthright. It’s part of his identity. Wearing them to school isn’t about being rebellious. It’s about expressing his unique identity and being different on purpose.
Likewise, he has a deeply held belief in honesty at all costs. It’s part of his identity. He just doesn’t lie, even when telling the truth makes him uncomfortable or unpopular. His passion for the truth is part of his identity. His strong willed “stuff” lets him stand up for his beliefs.
Help your strong-willed child find beliefs worth fighting for (and help them find small ways to be unique that fly under the radar.)
Strong willed can be logical. Early on, we taught the boys the value of a logical appeal. As parents, we do our best not to give in to strongwilled temper tantrums or drama. But we have been known to change our minds in the face of logic. This is true even when the logic is flawed.
“They’re my legs and I’m the one who will be cold” isn’t the strongest argument for wearing shorts in January. It was, however, enough to win. My son was arguing that he should be allowed to suffer the consequences of a bad choice and I chose to respect that.
Strong willed is about submission. Submission is defined as “yielding to the will or authority of another person.” Every time I pick a battle with one of my strong willed sons, I know I can’t lose. I have to stick to my guns until they submit to my authority. Last month, I used the logic of “let’s pretend we had a big argument about this and I won.” It worked. My son submitted without further comment.
In the context of the eternal, this is huge. We are called to submit to God’s authority for our lives. (James 4:7) Anyone who has ever tried that knows what a difficult task it is. By helping our sons submit to our parental authority, we are building the habits they need to submit to God’s authority.
Keep an eye on the eternal. Your strong-willed child needs to understand your scriptural basis for authority and see how you submit to God.
I’m blessed to be the mom to two strong willed boys. Because they stick to their beliefs, I don’t worry too much about peer pressure. They may look argumentative, but I see two young men developing a capacity for logic and reasoned discussion. Best of all, raising strong willed boys has brought me a deeper understanding of God’s character.
If you’ve ever struggled with strong willed stuff, how have you found the blessing?
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Houston Mom Blogger Susan Baker writes at ThisHappyMom and has a passion for encouraging weary worn out moms to find joy in everyday motherhood. She has two elementary school boys, one engineering husband, and one cat. She has a strange fascination for eggs, socks, and books. She spends far too much time on Social Media and at Target. She is crazy in love with her family. She serves an amazing God. She lives an ordinary life filled with wonder.
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I am on a trip with my strong willed children and it has been difficult. I am exhausted. I needed some comfort and encouragement to get through the last few days of our trip and came across your posts about strong willed children. Thank you! Your words were exactly what I needed.
I pray that Dino uses his strong-willed mind set for good. That he uses to NOT fall under peer pressure and the wrong crowd. That he uses his strong-willed mind set to do the right thing even when it’s not popular. I try to be understanding about what he wants…but there are times that I make the final rule because I am the mom and I want to keep him safe/healthy.
karen recently posted..Our Meal Plan April 19th – 25th
Karen, I believe there are times when “I’m the mom and I said so” really should be enough. That’s particularly true in health/safety situations. I do NOT recommend having a logical discussion about why my child needs to get out of the middle of the street. But… after he obeys and gets out of the street, I’m open to discussing the why behind my edict. Sometimes my kids get very open and whimsical reasons for my edicts… things like “because the smell of that candy makes me nauseous” or “because it makes me happy when you wear that shirt” or “because that’s the rule MY mom had” or even “because I gave in to peer pressure and did what the other mommies were doing.”
HappyMomSusan recently posted..MOMtor Monday – the blessing of a strong willed child
Lori, thanks for sharing!
It wasn’t until my son hit fourth grade that I really began to appreciate the strength of character that being strong willed represents. As I talked with other parents that struggled with peer pressure, I began to appreciate “strong willed” in an entirely new way.
HappyMomSusan recently posted..Five Minute Friday – Friend
Susan,
Love your perspective on a strong willed kid. They are tough to raise but do hold up well under peer pressure! I’m sharing this over at my FB page for moms and dads http://www.facebook.com/1Corinthians13Parenting . Blessings! ~Lori
Lori Wildenberg recently posted..The Power of Love and Wise Counsel