here are 5 surefire tips:
1. Go to bed super later than anyone in your house and get up ridiculously early. Whatever you do, don’t be rested. Preferably, make sure you are smack in the middle of a deep R.E.M dream sequence when your alarm (or toddler) goes off. This will keep you in the best position to be foggy, slow and as cranky as possible. The whole morning really hinges on this exercise executing perfectly for months on end. For years? Even better.
2. Scatter everything around the house that the kids need for school. Who needs their lunchbox near the kitchen, or dare we say in the fridge packed the night before? Where’s the fun in that? While you’re at it, put your stuff where you’ll never find it. Oh, and those car keys? Bury them beneath things you would never look under to begin with. Whatever you do make sure that it requires a bit of a “mouse maze” game to find stuff all morning. It’ll be exciting, right?
3. Hold strong in your delusion that 20 minutes of things that you need to do can break all laws of time and space and get crammed into 10 minutes. After all, going 85 mph in 30 mile an hour zones is safe and reasonable when you need to get kids to school on time, right? While you’re at it, hold fast to the rule that it’s less possible to get things done in the early morning as it does any other time of day. I mean, really, who in the world can do anything before 6 AM? No one gets up that early.
4. Make sure you are the only one responsible for everything. Our able bodied kids have only job in the morning: to complain and whine about how you’re not doing something right. Yes, you have already completed elementary school, middle school and high school, but it’s up to you to do it all again for them. Its just an unnecessary burden for them to embrace that they can complete tasks on their own. And you wouldn’t want to risk having a conflict. Then, they will surely believe that you love them less. At all costs, dodge this independence bullet with the spirit of a Matrix star. It will only shorten the time you have to be responsible for everything, all the time.
5. Have as many items as possible shoved into your car, purse, their backpacks, refrigerator closets, EVERYWHERE. This ensures that your feet will move like they have concrete blocks attached and give you those great thighs you’ve always wanted. Clutter makes you feel like you appreciate everything you have more, right? That’s why we accumulate stuff, to make ourselves feel like we have SOMETHING to show for our lives. Whatever you do don’t throw away or donate anything, otherwise you won’t have the necessary stuff to hide all the things that are really valuable to getting out of the door on time or peacefully. We can’t have that. You have time to waste, remember?
Whew! That was a close one. You almost made the deadly mistake of taking complete charge of your morning routine in your house. That may actually make you believe that you have control over something in your family’s life. It could have wrecked you addressing other areas of tension and stress in your family with the same tenacity and grit.
Ok. As you can see I’m being sarcastic. I feel sometimes we have to look at a difficult situation with humor in our lives in order to fix it. By exaggerating and dramatizing the situation, we can see the problems — and the solutions.
So, please don’t ruin your morning routines. Just remember that it can take just as much effort to do so as it does to take control of it and make it, dare I say….
one of the best parts of the day.
What steps do you take to help your morning routine to flow better?
Do you wake up before the kids? How much earlier?
How have you helped your kids become responsible for their own stuff in the morning?